I've been in a malaise lately so I made this table about not dying.
Upon death roll a d12 and reference the following table:
1-5—All that stuff about the afterlife? Nonsense! You're dead as dirt! Enjoy an eternity of nothingness and blackness chump!
6—The trauma of your demise summons necrotic energies that reanimiate your corpse into a minion of undeath with HD equal to your levels. The minion has all of your gear, statistics, and abilities; and they are super evil and the DM controls them!
7—You are for all intents and purposes ressurected. Boring!
8—A god of death raises you as a Revenant. This god grants you exactly one year of undeath to enact revenge against your killer(s), then your body crumbles to dust and your soul flies into the great beyond.
9—Your spirit reamins in the mortal realm as a Ghost.
10—You are recombobulated as a random non-undead monster with HD equal to your levels.
11—Your latent mutant genes save you from death's door. You are for all intents and purposes ressurected, but return to life with a random major mutation.
12—Turn out you were John Carpenter's The Thing all along! Who would of guessed!